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Dr. Patricia Allen's jam-packed seminars in Los Angeles have resulted in over two thousand marriages. Now you too can take advantage of this proven step-by-step program.
Here's what you'll learn:How to attract the right manWhen you should make the first move...and when you should notWhy equality in a relationship may not be what you're looking forWhy sex before commitment is a bad dealHow to have sensational sexWhat makes a man run away from a relationshipHow to know when you're giving too much How to get what you want without askingWhat makes a man want to commitHow to BE ENGAGED TO THE RIGHT MAN WITHIN A YEAR!
- Sales Rank: #126350 in Books
- Brand: Brand: William Morrow n Co
- Published on: 1994-02-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.50" h x 6.50" w x 1.00" l,
- Binding: Hardcover
- 272 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
From Publishers Weekly
Women may blame men for impermanent romances, but the problem often lies with themselves, according to Allen, a Los Angeles psychotherapist who leads relationship seminars, and Harmon, a screenwriter and "instant convert" to her coauthor's techniques. To encourage a lasting commitment from a man, women are advised here to decide whether playing the masculine or femine role in a relationship suits them best. "Feminine" women should seek "masculine" men who will cherish their feelings and lead the courtship, even if the woman has a more powerful career. Conversely, "masculine" women should seek "feminine" men who will take a subordinate role. A "masculine" woman should be the aggressor; a "feminine" woman should wait to be asked for a date. Case histories abound and a question-and-answer section is included in this how-to guide that underestimates human complexity.
Copyright 1994 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
"Move over, Dr. Ruth!"-- "Los Angeles Magazine"Just what cupid ordered!"-- "Beverly Hills Today"The woman's movement brought us independence, but it did not bring us love."-- Dr. Patricia Allen
Most helpful customer reviews
83 of 83 people found the following review helpful.
Love it or hate it, it's the plain truth is you want to get married and actually BE happy!
By suzereviews
This book has been the 'magic key' I had been desperately searching for in a pile of self-help books and hours of therapy. For the past 2 years I had been obsessively trying to figure out 'what was wrong with me' (and him) that caused our really wonderful, fulfilling relationship to deteriorate into a devastating mess and failure.
Our relationship failure didn't look, sound or feel like any of our friends' relationship failures. Theirs were obvious: cheating, alcoholism and marrying for reasons other than love in the first place were some of the 'normal' and understandable reasons to end a marriage or relationship. Ours was not like that. We had all the right elements: incredible physical chemistry, humor, affection, mental compatibility, emotional compatibility, similar values spiritually and socially, you name it, we had it. We enjoyed doing many of the same things, we enjoyed one another's company and there was no cheating of any sort. So what on earth happened to us? Losing that relationship when it had so many wonderful elements was absolutely the worst pain I have ever experienced, and I knew I had to dig deep and figure out how it happened because if I didn't, I wouldn't survive the pain again. Since I am not the type to turn bitter and just buy a cat, I delved into the bottomless pit of the 'why's...until I finally found the answer in this book.
The basic premise is really simple: There MUST be a 'masculine energy' person (who gives, protects, and is RESPECTED) and a 'feminine energy person' (who 'gives back', receives joyously and is CHERISHED) in order for the relationship to work. If you both want to be in charge, you will fight for the masculine position. If you both want to have your feelings cherished as your top priority, you will fight for the feminine position. If you must be BOTH respected for your mind and want to lead AND insist on having your feelings cherished--that is the epitome of NARCISSISM, and Dr. Allen believes you will be UNABLE TO MATE SUCCESSFULLY. I agree with her. You must ultimately choose between the two energies or live alone.
So many reviewers seem to have missed the point of the book by having their feathers ruffled by the concept of submission to the male that they also missed the hundreds of times she reiterates that you can CHOOSE which energy to be, and you can also NEGOTIATE with your mate after the relationship is established for role reversals in areas that both of you agree to. She is NOT in any way suggesting that we as women should suppress our minds or needs or feelings in deference to the male. We can and should express our FEELINGS to our masculine mate. As the man, he should express his THOUGHTS to his feminine woman, and ASK HER HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT THEM. Dr. Allen teaches us how to do this so as to actually get our needs met. The male MUST cherish the female's feelings above his own, and HE MUST DO THIS FIRST because a woman will be UNABLE to feel safe submitting to him and UNABLE to show respect for a man who has not FIRST shown her she is safe to do so. If a woman loves her man more than she loves herself (my problem) he will use and abuse her because she allows it.
Of course, the more frustrated and 'uncherished' I felt, the more resentful and angry I became, not understanding that I would never be able to give him enough love, generosity, effort or sacrifice to get him to meet my needs. What I was doing SEEMED to me to be feminine and loving, but it turns out those things were actually the masculine trait of selflessly giving. No wonder I didn't like being in that role! A successful relationship is like a battery: there needs to be a positive giver (male) and a negative receiver (female) in order for there to be a 'charge' or connection. It won't matter how hard you try, because without both ends of the battery, you will never get a darn thing from it.
This was the problem in my relationship. My boyfriend, who appeared very cherishing, giving and protecting at first, gradually slipped into his more feminine self and revealed what he was to me: a narcissist who would not give OR give back. He needed to have BOTH energies (my respect and also my cherishing) being given to him. I did it as long as I could, but despite the fact that we had all this 'wonderfulness' and commonality, he simply couldn't take the full masculine role I needed him to, and he left. Of course this left me absolutely AGONIZING over what more I could have done (actually, as Dr. Allen points out, I needed to do much LESS) to save our relationship.
I really must express my deep relief and gratitude for this book. I am naturally a feminine energy person, and instinctively behave in feminine ways so I got a lot of it 'right'. But when it came to asking for things I wanted or needed, I did it completely WRONG and was totally baffled as to why my asking was met with such resistance. Men take requests as attempts at control, even when they aren't. Dr. Allen shows us a better way.
I needed HONEST ANSWERS about what causes relationships to fail or succeed, and how to get my needs met by my man, and also meet his. She also showed me that what I thought a man wanted was not the case at all. I am so glad I now know this information. Thank you Dr. Allen. I am certain you have saved me from another round of hideous pain.
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
It helped me.
By Sandra Miller
While I don't agree with everything in the book, there are some things I've used in my dating experience from this book that have worked well. It helped me understand men better and relax more. I read it with Steve Harvey's, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man." His book got my mind in the right place, and her book gave me some concrete ways to behave. Since I've started deliberately bringing the "feminine energy" by choice/preference, the man in my life is less passive and has begun initiating and planning events. As a by-product, I've become less selfish and more respectful. Didn't see the problem before reading the books.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
Amazing and eye opening view on relationships!
By Queen of Design
Amazing and eye opening view on relationships! As a female alpha, I never realized that was my biggest issue in relationships. I want an a man's man/an alpha but he needs the opposite so Pat Allen's book really helped me see how I can make adjustments.
When I first heard of it I was offended and thought it was so stupid but once I read it it ALL MADE SENSE. And really, if you want different results in your dating life then you have to do something different.
I also go to her seminars here in LA, totally love her and her advice!
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